Things are so serreal

I really don't know what to say but today what I experienced is surreal. I wished it had never happened and I can wake up tomorrow and things will be back to normal. Today at work I was notified that a good friend of mine from work died Tuesday night. He was only 31. He had just turned 31 on Friday. Death was his choice not his health. I have never been more angry and sad at the same time. When we all found out we were shocked, stunned, mad, sad, hurt, and felt betrayed. This is the first time in my life when I have had someone close to me commit suicide. I would have to say it is one of the most selfish acts anyone can do. There are so many people grieving about his loss and not having him in our lives anymore. We thought things were going so well, weren't we wrong.

We didn't work after finding out. We just held eachother, cried, laughed, and I was mother hen. I cried at first but then became the strong one to help other people. A group of us went to another friends work to tell him before the word had gotten out into the community. Nursing home communities are very small in Denver and we didn't want him finding out by anyone but us. I of coarse was the strong one and held everyone's hand and grieved with them holding my tears and grief in. As soon as I got home the tears started flowing. Nick contemplated not going to Utah to stay home with me, but I insisted he go. I will be busy this weekend making Christmas cookies with friends and staying busy.

I just cannot believe he is gone. I am sad I may never see him again. He had been dealt a very difficult hand in his life and made some very bad choices. He was such a great nurse. He loved caring for other people. We will all miss him dearly and cannot believe he is gone. Please be praying for his family and friends of his. Everyone is having a hard time with this. It is so much to process because so many questions are unanswered and may never be answered.

I cannot believe he won't be with us Saturday to make cookies. That we won't be going out together anymore. That man could make us all laugh. He had such a big heart but wouldn't let anyone love him. We are all thinking what could we have done differently, but none of us could save him. He knew how much we loved him and that wasn't enough. His mother said she has been trying to save him all his life and she failed. We all feel like we failed.