I realized yesterday that the month of December has really been hard these past couple years for me. Last year I was very ill and thought I would never work again and my grandmother died December 26. Now losing a friend in December this year has really made this month hard for me. I love Christmas and won't let these losses ruin it, but it is a depressing month for me.
We are still in shock and can't believe Devin is gone. Now looking back at the past couple weeks there were signs of his suicide. He closed many doors to friendships and appeared to be well. None of us know if we could have stopped him. We continually wonder what we could have done different or how we could have intervened. His family is coping the best they can and are grateful we were in his life and are taking this just as hard. We were Devin's work family and we feel like we have lost a brother. Devin didn't know what to do with the love we were all giving him. Our love was never enough.
Nick is gone this week and I am realizing his timing is impecable when I need him. When he went to Utah earlier this year without me I had one of the hardest deaths I had ever dealt with happen and he wasn't close to support me. Now he is gone to Utah again and I just lost a friend. I know I told him to go and meant it. If I truly needed him I would have asked him to stay. I have such great friends to support me when he is gone. Nick will be coming home the night of Devin's funeral and I think I will really need him then. Nick is my rock. Now that I don't live close to my family I am really relying on Nick for strength and support. My friends have been wonderful and so supportive. Thank you Amy for letting me come over and vent last night and watch girly movies. You don't know how much that meant to me. We are making cookies tonight and doing things Devin loved. We will be drinking his favorite drink and watching his favorite movie.
I am praying to God continually to help me through this time and remove the pain and anger. I pray for his family and their loss too.
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2 comments:
Cams -- I am so sorry about your friend. I'm hear if you ever need to talk about anything. Love you and praying for you!
I am sorry to hear of your loss...suicide is the hardest. I am sure that you showed him everyday how much you cared. You didn't fail. No one could be more generous.
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